I Understand Nothing

Another chapter in the lifeless story of a girl....

When all else fails...there is my darkness lurking in the background of my life.
I try to be a happy person and yet it seems that every time I find a nice balance to life my depression kicks in...I am one of the funniest people you will ever know and one of the saddest...I have heard it said that most comedians are, in real life, a depressive lot...so why would it be any different for me? I am happy when I think about my life...there is really nothing to be sad about. I was born to a wonderful couple who truly love each other...I have 3 awesome siblings that would do anything I asked them to do for me...and yet I always have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am missing something...that I am supposed to be doing something spectacular here and instead I am wasting time just sitting around the house...I think I have my problem narrowed down to this...I am always thinking I am different from everyone else and I am not...I am not better or worse or more special than any other person in this world or out of it...my only difference is that I happened to have the misfortune of growing up bigger than other girls my age...which isn't all that bad...here's why...I am a lot more graceful than bigger people because I have had a good 15 years of living with the weight...I am heavier which means in general I am stronger than skinny chicks...In the past couple of months I have come to terms with my being different in that way and now that I have I guess I have to come to terms with not being different in other ways...Its scary for me to know that my life is going to be just another census mark and that because of who I am no one but my close family and friends would care if I randomly died...there isn't some big love out there just waiting for me...that kind of shit died at the turn of the century...no chivalry or manners exist anymore...how many guys do you see hold open doors for girls...none...maybe one old dude that also spits into a spittoon bucket and has hair down to his knobby knees...there is no prize waiting for me when I die because if I read the bible right...Revelations...we die and then we are basically sleeping until the coming of the Lord...that is if you believe in Him...but who wants to believe in a God that will forsake people he created because they know not what they do?...there is not ever going to be a time where I will never have to work again...lets face it...America has it down...you work a person down so that they have all the creature comforts they like and want and then TADAA here is a new creature comfort that YOU MUST HAVE...so get off your ass and work some more...and then by the time that people realize they never needed the shit in the first place they have become so used to working that they don't know how to live without a job and usually end up dead within 10 years of retiring...so here it is...I am going to live my life...my FUCKING way...if someone has a problem with that...screw you...I will believe what I want to believe...be it Jesus Christ or Karmic Waters...I will work enough to be comfortable in my environment...that means a quaint little house and a parcel of land where I can grow my own gosh darn vegetables and have my own chickens...I will have relations with guys that I see fit...not guys that whistle at me as I am walking down the street or treat me like the dirt under their shoe...guys just know this...I have taken a pair of pliers to my sisters ex-boyfriends balls and he didn't even make me mad...so try to stay on my good side.....I am turning a new leaf so to speak...I have had SO much disappointment in my life and I am barely 19...how sad is that...when I was 15 a guy I liked got hit by a train and died...at age 16 a good friend of mine hung herself from her stair rail...17...I fell in love with a guy that I found out was a horn dog...18 I searched my soul and found out that God isn't always there for you when you need Him the most...I guess he was busy...while I was caught up in a bad situation...and now I understand...that I understand NOTHING...so I am saying screw it...I Quit...